Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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