pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Someone signed my nipple.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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