If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
How's work?
Spinning.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
