Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
