he puts the penis in happiness.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
