I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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