Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
