I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
