summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
We need to get me chipped asap
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
