We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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