im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
