Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
