If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
