chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Randomize
