i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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