My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
