i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
