you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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