Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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