I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Randomize
