In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
what is it with giant penises always finding me
He called his prostate his "boner button".
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
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