i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
