she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
