This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
