Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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