i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Randomize
