I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
