Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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