allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Soap is not a condiment
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
