Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
