Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
