oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
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