Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
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