if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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