My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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