this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
