When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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