You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
