matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
