dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
