he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
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