You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
