Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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