Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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