Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
