The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
