Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize
