Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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