I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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