Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
It's shark week go big or go home
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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