I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
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