I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
